Model Roles

Women and girls should be pretty and have no opinions, of course. They also must have no interest in athletics, and certainly not any input in processes and in complicated subjects such as building or family interactions. At least this is what I was taught by my biological parents. When I was good at athletic activities, like running, fishing, and other sports, my abilities were minimized to laud my brothers’ poor ability. As a small child, that didn’t bother me because I was a very quiet, bookish kid. I knew that I was vastly more able than the boy in my life. Somehow, decades later, we still see the sexist culture that men are more important than women, including in this so esoteric as remodeling. Women have ideas only about design, and then likely not very practical. It is possible that what we are experiencing now is ideas about role models (i.e. sexism), it could be just a lack of communication, or it could just be that people like Dan more than me. That last idea is common: Dan is much, much more friendly than I am.

I am still a quiet, bookish person. I just really like research and am terrible at (and hate) small talk. Dan is also a quiet person, but one who really enjoys interacting with people. I love him for it. I am the one who, quietly, suggests he do X for Y. He does it; I give him all the credit, which he deserves. Recipients never know that I was the instigator. I am happy with this. When something goes wrong, Dan coordinates with the fixers while I, in the background, suggest how to manage it. Workers seem to like to coordinate with a friendly man; I like remaining in the background. And yet, on topics that are important to me, I am vociferous, detailed, and active. In fact, my life is defined by this. Let me explain.

When I was 14, I knew that my biological parents were–and had been for years–abusing and neglecting their children very severely. I was an avid newspaper reader and knew that there was, in Illinois, a Department of Family Services that helped families experiencing abuse and neglect. I reported it, with details, and I and my siblings were put into foster care. After this, I would never stop being an advocate, even while I did so quietly and often in the background. And yet for our current home improvement project, we have seen some common denominators that I would have thought long gone.

Like details. Dan can, and does, very detailed work at his job. Details at home, however, are more difficult for him. And that’s sometimes okay because I am very detailed oriented. In day-to-day life, this is a good ying-and-yang dynamic. Yet for this project, it has meant that the project manager, who will only contact Dan, the guy who listens and just says “OK” without any real attept at understanding (eager to get along and off the phone) means they get a blanket “whatever.”

However, we requested in the initial project management meeting that I would be the primary contact for all work during the project because I am actually the questioner on both big pictures and details, as my child abuse experience describes.

When that communication with the project manager didn’t happen, Dan asked the project manager, reinforced our request that I, the woman, be the primary contact for communications because I am more detail-oriented. That didn’t happen. In one circumstance, I contacted someone to solve a problem; the response was not to me, but to Dan, who did not even know that I had instigated a potential solution. Later, I asked the project manager about next steps, including avoiding weather problems. No answer. Later, on Wednesday, the project manager told Dan that workers would not be back for a week, yet workers were there every day.

I asked the project manager about the idea of a week’s break because of upcoming weather that could damage the open house foundation. He did not answer me. I subsequently asked questions on email including to our sales rep. We still have heard nothing from the project manager.

Then, without any information and contrary to the weeklong gap in activity the project manager promised Dan, 2-3 workers spent all day doing work, including the protection of the house I had requested.

Did my request help? Maybe. Did they plan the protection before my request? Maybe, but that was contradicted by what they did not tell Dan.

This morning, I asked Dan to move the car from the garage as I closed the living room curtains in time for workers to arrive. (We close the curtains to limit Saoirse the dog’s freak-outs seeing workers.) Dan scoffed that he didn’t need to move the car out of the garage because our project manager had told him a week before that no one would be working on the house until Wednesday. Dan believed him even though work continued every day except the weekend. Only a few hours later, the contractor delivered a huge load of wood in the driveway, cutting out access to our garage. Again, unscheduled, at least as communicated to us.

I do not assume that people are communicating or manipulating communication. I do not assume that workers dislike women.

Perhaps real communication could be useful.

UPDATE! We have had absolutely fantastic communication today with our project manager. Apparently the electric company will move our box from the back wall that is going away quite soon so that on Thursday, our contractors will frame the addition. They’re framing the addition before demolishing the current wall to minimize our exposure outside, which we greatly appreciate. Of course, that will mean more debris inside, but we trust that they know best. That’s a comfort.